0200.. how well I know you..

Awake again at 2 a.m., nothing really on TV and I have surfed for awhile online. I am bored, restless, lonely. I watched the Lake House and Serendipity, looked for my textbooks for school and so far saved $200 on those… I currently am trying to get the girls to go to sleep and CSI: Miami is on. You know I am bored if I am watching Horatio. *G* I think that once I ramble on here for awhile I will put in one of my ebooks and read erotica for a bit. I don’t think that it will help the loneliness, or the horniness for that matter, it is just something to do while I can’t sleep.

So, what follows is randomness running through my head:

Let’s see, I quit smoking again and it has been almost 2 weeks now. The thing is, I miss it,, want one right now in fact, I actually like to smoke and if it were not bad for me I would continue to do it. Dan and I were discussing that one earlier. There are just somethings.. were they not bad for me I would gladly keep doing them.. smoking cigarettes being one of those things.

I really am bored right now. hahaha. Here it is, Saturday night and I am sitting at the house not doing a damn thing. Such an exciting life I lead.  

A lot of things running through my head, just don’t know what to make of them all yet. The good thing is that I don’t have to.

(Horatio sounds like Captain James T. Kirk when he talks… really annoying I think..)

I can let them wander around, bump into one another, see what is created, birthed, destroyed.. it is really a fascinating process. All I have to do is sit back and hang on for the ride.

There are some people on this planet that just the sound of their voice makes me smile, makes my day, turns me on. (Alright, I am usually turned on.. that isn’t the point right now.. we can discuss that one later) I talk to Dan and Jaye everyday. They brighten my day and let me unload, vent, make me smile and relax as I get ready for bed. I end the day listening to the sounds of their voices.

Kerry Lee, it isn’t often enough that I get to hear his voice. His has made me smile for 18 years now. Gods how I miss him. I don’t know how we fit into each others lives anymore. Friends at the very least, though that does not do justice regarding my feelings for him. We will see what happens, the ball is in his court really.

I got all registered for classes… American Lit, American History, English Comp and Intro to Sociology. Just surfing for my textbooks.. have several of them on order now.

My favorite TV show is Criminal Minds. It is utterly fascinating how the BAU of the FBI profiles serial killers. Do you think that Americans are just fascinated with them and what makes their minds function the way they do, perform the atrocities that they do?

My least favorite show is Dog the Bounty Hunter.. though his wife actually had her ginormous boobs covered up for once!

Kelli or Kalli or whatever her name is on CSI: Miami is actually pretty good looking, not my normal type really. I can understand why Staci thinks that she is so hot. I like the intelligence. *G* I like smart people though. lol.

I like the Jamacain accent.. yummy…

Alright, I better get off of here.. I am rambling about the strangest shit now… hahaha…

~Love and Light… night night… Feeling rather giggly now…

Blah! Blah, Blah, Blah!!

I think that I have recovered now… after a few days of trying to lose my toenails via my stomach and trying to decide which end should be on the toilet I think that I have recovered now. No vomiting in over 24 hours!! WOOHOO!! I am still sore and exhausted but definitely on the road to recovery. I think that I have slept more in the past 2 days than I have in the last 2 months! My biggest worry is that I have exposed all kinds of people to this virus. I thought that I was okay since I had not displayed any symptoms and went ahead and attended our Lammas celebration. Everyone there drank after me and we all kissed as we would normally in greeting and passing the chalice. Poor babies. So far, 10 of the kids and 8 of the adults have come down with this…

Today is my neices birthday, Jordan turns 3 today. WOOHOO! We are having an abbreviated celebration due to everyone being sick.

I have been talking a lot to my partners in Colorado. Things are progressing well and I think that we are actually developing a plan of action to get them down here within the next 9 months or so. I am hoping to be able to go up and visit in the next few weeks and we can chat more face to face. I am so very excited!! *G* Will chat more about that later.

I am actually hungry and will be heading to bed before long… Night all.

Back again… no heart attacks please..

See.. I did make it back.. I did!! No one die of shock please! I meant it when I said that I was really putting forth an effort. It will be short tonight though as I am tired. One woud think that I would be feeling fine after two naps today. I am still draggingg ass though.

Tim has been especially fun this week, trying to reconcile, trying to convince me to talk to him and to move back in.. “home where I belong” type of thing. I think next time he says that I will tell him that home is where the heart is.. and that isn’t with him. *G* Even after our discussion Monday night when I told him that I had not forgotten or forgiven him of the events from 2 weeks ago and actually asked him “What makes you think I ever want you to touch me again?” he still tried to kiss me the other night when I dropped off the cell phone chargers for the kids after work.. then next night he stuck his hand in the car window for me to touch. If I had… give him an inch and he will go for the mile. I am just so sick of his shit.. back off and let me go. Work on yourself like I am working on myself. I am done.

Anyhoo, enough of his crap for one night. I am signing off to make the call I have been looking forward to all day….  *G*

Slacker!!!

Wow.. it has been over a year now. I kept telling myself that I would update this more frequently than I did previously and now.. now a full turning of the wheel has occured and I haven’t been on here.. What a year it has been though. I have laughed and cried and raged and have finally come full circle. I finally had enough light to guide me on the journey…

The light in the darkness

I am staying at my Mom’s house now. Where else do you go but home when you find yourself lost? I think that I had been missing essential parts of me for so long that I had forgotten that they even existed. No, that’s wrong.. I didn’t forget them, I just had packed them carefully away hoping for the day that I could pull them down again and integrate them once more. I am happy to say that I have been unpacking them once more and figuring out where they go..

Tim and I have seperated. I think that we all knew it was coming, everyone did, except him. I think that he chose to ignore that I could and would leave, somehow believing that I would stay no matter what. It didn’t matter how many times I told him otherwise, he never truly believed that I would do it. I made the realization that if I didn’t change my life… that this would be my life for the rest of my life. I was miserable. I don’t have enough life left to waste being unhappy… I am done with unhappy, I am done with miserable, I am done with compromising myself to make everyone else happy and placing myself on the bottom of that list. I deserve to be happy, I deserve love, I am worthy of that happiness and of that love… it seems so simple really.. however thinking that and doing something about it are two different things. I finally made the decision to stand up and do something about it.

“You are family”… three simple words spoken to me from a 12 year old young lady. Three simple words that resonated through my soul from the mouth of a daughter of my heart. How did I get so fortunate to earn that place in her heart? Those words meant more to me than every flower or card or trinket that Tim ever bought for me. Money can not replace those words.

"You are Family"

So now, I am reconnecting, discovering, learning, realizing that there is more left of me than I thought. I left part of my heart in Colorado when I had to drive away. Could it really happen the way we talked about? Can I have my cake and eat it too? I am full of hope and a wee bit scared. Excited and terrified. The “what if’s” keep running through my head.. it’s only fear after all. If we can really truly do this then I am all in. I would never have asked.. and at the same time am touched to the very core of me with the offer. How does one person earn this much love and acceptance? I, among all women, am most truly blessed…

Truly Blessed

My cup runneth over….

Run, Run.. as fast as you can..

I realized this morning that I have not been on here in awhile to update everything. Honestly though, so much has occurred within the last 2 weeks that I can’t imagine trying to update the last the last 2 months. I don’t even know where to start…

Today I am doing pretty good. I am feeling better about the occurances of this past week. I am willing to apologize for losing control of my temper. I am not willing to apologize for defending myself against the verbal and psychic attack that I and others received. My recent passion for learning and spiritual growth has brought about changes within me that others are perceiving and not truly understanding. It is within this learning and growth that the seeds were planted for standing up to those who would put me down and redefining our relationships. I will not apologize for finally being true to myself and demanding the treatment and respect that I deserve.

Alone again at 2 a.m.

Awake again in the middle of the night. Tim just left for South Padre again and I have yet to retire for the night. I am restless and can’t shut my mind down. I watched some tv… Duff is just lovely. I sat outside for a time, did my moon bathing. I watched the cotton wood snow down through the street lights. Now here I sit, knowing that I should rest while I can. That the kids will be up and moving before I realize it and that I don’t want to keep having to consume caffeine to stay on my feet tomorrow.

I am irritated with him for going to South Padre. I am irritated that I am missing Bound at Sanctuary tomorrow night. I am irritated with him for not being the man I need him to be anymore.

There is too much in my head right now. I will see if I can’t sort it out and try again tomorrow….

Exhausted… and then some

I survived Mother’s Day. Turns out that Iron Man was pretty good. I enjoyed the comraderie between Stark and his robots and the one-liners that flew everywhere. My favorite being made by Stark to Pepper “Let’s face it – this isn’t the strangest thing you’ve caught me doing”. I laughed so hard at that one. We left the theater and Tim took my to Circuit City and picked up the ipod that I have been wanting. I was upset but not so upset as to not take the gift… I really wanted it. I later talked with him and explained that I was hurt that he could think of himself and his desire for new paintball equipment but couldn’t even stop and pick up a card for his Mom or me. That it wasn’t about the ipod, or any gift for that matter… just that he didn’t even acknowledge the day.

In other worlds, work has been a nightmare. We are really short handed and having to take on extra patients. Monday we had no clerk so the charge nurse was secretary also, yesterday we had a nurse call in so the charge took patients with the rest of us. I was an hour late Monday, 2 hours late yesterday. I have concluded that I am not liking where I work all that much these days… I have also come to the conclusion that I don’t like people very much.

Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all out there…

Tim says that he will get me something for Mother’s Day later this week. He has an install and it is unaccounted for and money without a planned purpose and he will use that to get me what he wants to get me. Why does this upset me? He went and spent nearly $100 on a new barrel for his paintball gun yesterday that wasn’t a planned purchase. AND.. he didn’t pick up Fern or I so much as a card. I am deeply hurt and tearful. We are going to see Iron Man in a few hours.. because he wants to go and see it. Happy Mother’s Day to me. Fucking Asshole.

Like Nails on a Chalkboard

It has been a long week already and here it is only Tuesday. Sheesh. I am exhausted and face two more days of work before the weekend. It is just a BLAH! day here.. overcast, grey, raining off and on. I am quiet, tired, have a headache and feel rather down and blue.

This all started Friday night. There was a drum jam at Mystic Moon Mansion here in Arlington. Bud and Jewels were going and invited us to attend as well. Jewels wanted to me to go with her to do some adult shopping as well. Tim claimed that he was too tired from the week and the trip to South Padre to attend so that left us home .. AGAIN! Finally he asked me if I wanted to go with Jewels to the ‘Toy Store’ and I jumped at the chance to get out of the house for a few. I got to talk with Heidi and Lobo for a few minutes and listen to the drummers while Jewels went to the bathroom and then we left for the stores. We went over to Condom Sense and shopped. Well, we mostly looked and relived and shared too many stories much to the amusement of the other customers. One in particular caught my eye. Oh but he was lovely. Tall, slender with beautiful eyes and a smile that made the flutterbys move. He moved around the store near us, obviously listening and trying not to be obvious about it… though at one time he laughed and couldn’t stop it. I wanted to talk to him… but how do you convince your best friend that talking to a strange man is okay.. and then explain your life to the strange man. It doesn’t usually go over well and I don’t need anymore drama in my life. The attraction was there, the chemistry… He and I kept meeting eyes and smiling. In the end Jewels and I walked out the door and got into the van. As we were pulling out of the parking space he walked out the door and stared at the van, at me. I put it into drive and waited to pull out of the lot.. and he stood at the car watching us. He watched us drive off before getting into his car. It took a lot not to turn around and go back. I keep kicking myself and telling myself I should have done it, I should have gone back.. even Jewels agreed. *G* This strange man in a adult toy store has been on my mind for days… and I did go back after I dropped of Jewels… even though I knew that he wouldn’t be there.. I went back.

Saturday we attended the Phoenix Beltane and Alison and Rick were on time, had paperwork for everyone and got right to work setting up and getting ready. We were all shocked. We had a great ritual and I spoke briefly to Alison. We will see how it continues.

We then went to Chaos’ for OIC and New Moon. It was held in her Circle in the field.. the Pecans and Oaks shaded us and bore witness to our Circle. The energy was an audible hum. It was awesome. At Feast after we talked about it and perform Lotion and the accompanying interperative dance. It was a riot.

I worked Sunday and Monday. They were busy days. Tim and the kids cleaned house and did projects around here Sunday and then he behaved as though I should drop to the ground and be so thankful that he did them - FUCK THAT!!! It is their house too and everyone can help out. Monday the kids were out of school so he took them to work with him. They played at Chaos’ with Hunter while he worked. He then came home early and goofed off. He actually griped at me for falling asleep on the couch last night!! I even forgot to tell him about Denise from work… but got to hear all about the paintball crap…

So.. I am tired and irritated and horny and just worn out from it all… ~le sigh~ gotta run and make dinner….

Getting Good Mind

What a relief it truly is when you can pick up the phone and connect with another person, or persons as the case may be on a primal and fundamental level. You don’t have to explain yourself, worry over what they will think, you can merely be and laugh and talk. No worries over what they will think. No worries that you will be misunderstood and not asked for an explanation. And best of all.. they get it. They get you.